It’s the Cost of Living in an Extremely Competitive World

We often talk about modern dating as if it is a moral failure. Men are emotionally unavailable. Women are asking for too much. People are afraid of commitment. No one wants to try anymore.

But the more I reflect on my own experiences and the experiences of people around me the more I believe this framing is wrong.

It is not men’s fault.
It is not women’s fault.

It is the world we are living in.

We live in an era of extreme competition where survival increasingly depends on intense focus long hours and constant self improvement. Education is no longer just about learning. It is about signaling value. Careers are no longer just about stability. They are about staying relevant in systems that can discard you quickly.

In this kind of environment relationships do not fail because people do not care. They fail because there is no room left.

When Success Requires Total Commitment

I have dated men with PhDs and postdoctoral backgrounds who spent most of their adult lives in labs. One received an offer to become a principal investigator at one of the top five universities in the world at just 32 years old. Another founded his own company and by 35 had built a business worth millions.

These outcomes do not happen by accident. They require years sometimes decades of tunnel vision.

For people on these paths dating is not something they actively shape around their lives. It is something that has to fit into the margins. If a relationship aligns naturally with their schedule and mental bandwidth it survives. If it does not there is very little flexibility.

Once you accept a major academic offer sign funding agreements or commit to scaling a company your time is no longer fully your own. Your calendar is dictated by deadlines investors publications and competition.

Asking someone in that position to just make more time often means asking them to risk everything they worked for.

Emotional Needs Are Still Real

At the same time emotional needs in relationships are real and valid.

For many women and many men too connection requires presence. It requires shared time responsiveness and emotional availability. Love is not built through admiration from a distance. It is built through consistency and mutual investment.

When those needs are not met the relationship begins to feel lonely even if both people genuinely care.

I used to feel hurt when my partners could not spend time with me. I felt deprioritized. I questioned my worth. I wondered why work always came first.

Now I understand something I did not before. They were not choosing work over me. They were choosing survival in a system that punishes hesitation.

They were raised trained and rewarded for putting achievement above everything else. By the time they reached success the cost of changing was simply too high.

This Is Not a Gendered Problem

This dynamic is not exclusive to men.

I know women who are just as driven. Women who are brilliant ambitious and highly capable. Women who have to constantly prove themselves to keep their roles maintain their income or protect their professional credibility.

For them slowing down does not just mean missing out. It can mean losing everything.

So when relationships do not work out it is not because women are too demanding or men are emotionally stunted. It is because both are operating under relentless pressure with very little margin for vulnerability or rest.

The Trade Off We Rarely Talk About

Every system has trade offs.

A society that prioritizes productivity competition and individual achievement will inevitably sacrifice something else. In our case that something appears to be deeply committed relationships.

We see the consequences everywhere. People have less time for intimacy and connection. More relationships feel conditional or transactional. Divorce rates remain high. Birth rates continue to decline. More people choose to stay single not because they want to but because partnership feels incompatible with survival.

This is not a personal failure. It is a structural one.

Rethinking What We Blame

Instead of pointing fingers at men or women maybe we should ask harder questions.

What kind of lives are we designing
What are we asking people to give up in order to succeed
Why are we surprised when relationships struggle in a system that leaves no room for them

Love requires time.
Connection requires emotional energy.
Commitment requires stability.

If we want healthier relationships we cannot just tell individuals to try harder. We have to acknowledge the environment they are trying to survive in.

Because in a world that demands everything from us something always gets left behind.

And increasingly that something is love.